Wednesday, April 9, 2008

My Husband had sex with our nannies...

What Happened-
We were married on 8th of June 2000.
As I am the eldest in the family, I am used to control people- including my husband who is the 5th of 6 children, esp I have been in Singapore since 1987 whereas he started working here in September 1999. We dated very briefly-guess we rushed to the marriage.
I have been working as Personal Financial Consultant for about a year with Standard Chartered Bank, previously was a Relationship Manager with Maybank for abt 2 years.
When I was pregnant with my son, we hired an old maid who's abt 40 plus & a grandmother. I only found out recently that just before she left after 3 over years that He had a brief affair with her- he said the maid came to our bedroom and asked him to massage her.he pitied her cos she looked so tired;gave her a massage,stripped her and 'gave her pleasure'. The maid was far from pretty,and her hand had fungus-I made her wear gloves and did not fire her cos I pitied her.
He felt guilty and gave her a few months extra salary to keep her from talking. At the time I was working at Maybank- the nature of my job as a Relationship Manager then required me to work on Saturdays, and sometimes nights and occassional Sunday to achieve quota. This gave him the opportunity, I guess.
Subsequently we hired part time maid and put Jonathan at several childcares-Jonathan is mildly autistic and hyperactive with ADHD. The first was Nissi Childcare;after several mths (Pasir Ris drive 6) telephone: 65852728. the supervisor asked us to withdraw him as he was too active and they said they did not have the resources to attend one to one- suggested schools with lower student teacher ratio. then we put him at Learning Vision at Changi- he was chased out after just a two days-he was too active and often accidentally poked toys or pushed his friends- he has no sense of danger. then we placed him at Orange Tree at East Point- at the time we hired another maid called Emma Titi Srani.However, cos the maid needs to take MRT and it's open track, and the maid feedback that Jonathan liked to run around, my husband decided to pick him up himself and drive him home & at the same time took his lunch at home. We subsequently moved my son to Kits4kids Special School- Jonathan improved quite tremendously cos there was speech and occupational therapy provided.Emma the maid was supposed to send and pick him up by bus. However my husband often picked him up and fetched him- he said he's worried because Jonathan can't keep quiet inside the bus-he likes to disturb people, press the bell,etc and he's worried he might get rain. The maid often waits at the centre or sometime at home-my husband was the one who picked and send her many times-this was despite the fact that our car was off-peak at the time.
I did not suspect because whenever I come home from work the maid would be teaching Jonathan his homework- while I have dinner with my husband. My husband almost always worked overtime- so I did not suspect anything.
The maid and him would get together whenever in the afternoon, when I had to work on Saturdays and sometimes when I attended roadshows or meetings.
My husband loves his son very much and his son listens to him most. He simply adores his Daddy.
Luckily my daughter has been staying with my mother for 5 over years so she did not witness anything- I can't say anything with Jonathan cos he sometimes likes to touch his sister too fondly- I don't know whether he understands it- even though my husband swore that Jonathan never witness it- he's always sleeping when they did it.
It's hard to believe cos Jonathan is very active and hardly nap-even if he does he often woke up and cry whenever he sensed that he's alone.
My maid was Muslim and at some point she attended a church (Revival Faith Assembly) and started taking Sunday off-against our original contract and bought handphone-against our agreement too.

I first found out about the affair when I came home on October 3 2007- inside the car my husband told me he's going to church which made me angry cos we never agreed-we were Buddhist. when we got home, the maid was ready,with make up and all-she grabbed my husband's hand intimately and told him to quickly go to church- I was so annoyed- I asked her who gave her the permission to go on Wednesday night-she said 'My master Allowed me so I can'-when I asked her to return my keys she refused she said if my Master asked then she'd return. I sensed something was wrong-I grabbed my husband's shirt and pulled him, begging him not to go- I was hysterical- but he looked like he really needed to go-he looked like he could die if did not go-he was I followed him to the car-he promised upstairs that she would take other car but in the e asked the maid to sit at the back. by the time we reached the church I was hysterical- I was screaming, kicking him, pulling his shirt so as he would not follow him upstairs. I was also upset when he confessed that he was baptized on September 30-in the same church as the maid and even took our son to Sunday school. In my anger I kicked my son on the chest. I felt so guilty abt it till today.Luckily nothing happened to him-my husband was so angry and almost punched me-but he later punched the wall very hard.
I was screaming, and a Brother came down and I forced him to help me retrieve my condo access card and key from the maid. she refused, even saying that the card she has belongs to our neighbour- which was not true. he Work Permit was under my name- I told her not to return as I have cancelled it. Luckily tat the suggestion of the Pastor who came down, He,my son and I went home. at home he was crying- so loudly, saying that he had wronged me - I asked him what had he done- did you sleep with her? he said yes- I could not believe my ears-
The maid returned to the condo after the service and smugly waited for me to open the door-accompanied by our upstairs neighbour. I shouted at her,asked her not to return as I have cancelled her work permit. I quickly asked my husband to login to his internet banking account-left only $700 and transferred to my own account- I was afraid he would give everything to her.
early in the morning cancelled her work permit and booked a ticket for her. Until the end she refused to give me back my house key- only access card after I forced her to-
The Pastor told me that He and the maid started their relationship abt 2 mths after she arrived. He said they had stopped for one mths but coudn't tahan their flesh- tempation. even when she was baptized and not supposed to repeat the same mistake,he had to tempt her to adultery again-he said he couldn't tahan the temptation. Hes said he's a very low, low man who would even make a hole in the wall of his hostel to peek at girls changing, and that he was not so pure before marriage- guess I was the stupid one. I never thought abt all those things. I thought he was an honest man.
I questioned my husband for many months till now- he slowly told me-
he would sleep with the maid everywhere-on all three beds in the house-inside our common bathroom and even inside our bathtub. I asked him which bed, sofa? he said everywhere... as experiment.if my son is not asleep they would just cuddle in bed and chit chat. all those during the supposedly one hour lunch time- after he picked up my son from school. many times he would take her to restaurant or bought food home as the maid 'did not like to cook' or 'too busy'. he told me he even allowed her to go out many times while he took care of my son. He said she made him feel like a man, made him feel high and she's an expert.turned out that she slept around outside apparently to earn more money.
he defended her, saying that she really truly loves him and not because of the money- and that he believed that she only slept with him.
I subsequently went for a check for STDs- and I forced him to take one too- which he refused until I asked the Pastor to persuade him to- both my report and his were similar- positive for Chlymadia and Herpes type 1 and 2. The Herpes thing I just realized yesterday- did not pay attention to it before. I was so shocked when the doctor explained to me that basically there is no medicine for it, unlike Chlymadia which both He and I took.I forced me to go to his doctor and look at his herpes result- dated Oct 16 2007- it was positive all right. I warned him not to kiss the kids or share drink,food... but he said don't worry, my children will not get sick, he would kiss the kids,God will protect them from harm.just come to God and PRAY.
I was very, very sad, cried many,many months-and I got violent-kept asking why?what happened? where did you do it? whenever I get the attack I would slap my husband,scratched him,kicked and banged the door and shouted at him. at one time I slapped him so hard it hurt his ear drum-he went to the changi general hospital-subsequently looked like it's ok already-he can hear properly but not allowed to swim.
I got so emotional many times, my heart hurt like hell, and at one time I just had a sense that something was wrong about his mobile- I needed to get it. he refused, and we quarelled- he then ran to his office and hid them. we got into quarrel- I demanded that he hand over the phone as it was purchased under my singtel contract even though he used it.
I foolishly grabbed a knife and scissors and threatened him, pocking at his body lightly-there was no blood.I also cut a bit of Jonathan's hair bang just to threaten him. he ran into the room with Jonathan and called the police for protection. Lost of police came and I was tricked into opening the door as they promised to help me to retrieve the phone
I was handcuffed and brought into the station, questioned,brought into hospital in foot restrain like an animal- I got bruises everywhere. and subsequently was placed inside prison-my husband went into the station for questioning but just left me there-did not bother to bail me out. I had to call my neighbour at 5 am in the morning cos I could not stand it anymore- I cried and cried. When I got home I hid his laptop and begged him to change church- I felt humiliated that he had to be baptized in the same church as the maid and he die die refused to go to other church. I felt very suicidal at the thought why he's so faithful to her- it's like she has a very great control over him- in just over one year of knowing her.
Our marriage meant nothing to him.I subsequently returned the laptop to him.
My husband subsequently filed a Police Protection Order but was later withdrawn when I informed the Pastor and he asked him to drop it.
One afternoon I got off work early and decided to pick up my son from his childcare-but my husband inormed the school not to release him to me-even informing them that he had filed for PPO- embarassing me in front of everybody. I threw a tantrum and hit him with an umbrella. He threatened to call police and I had no choice but to leave.
I was desperate to save our marriage and he said the only way was to follow him to be baptized in his church. I foolishly agreed.we have to attend very long sunday service followed by fellowship and wednesday night. till now he still prays very long in 'Tounge'-holy spirit.
We went to Church Camp before Chistmas and during the camp we quarelled many times whereas when I get emotional I would cry and slap and scratch him.
Quite recently I scratched him and he twisted my both arms and pressed hardly and he later pushed me in the car park.
Things improved slightly after that but got worse recently when I started to question him again. he said he enjoyed having sex with her so much, if not it wouldn't have lasted so long-but he confessed to me and got baptized because he repented and wanted to do God's work.He asked me to receive holy spirit and trust God.he would listen to God's will and Holy Spirit. I desperately wanted to believe that God will bless our marriage and he would change- that he would love me and the children, just like other people in the church. I thought we only had chlymadia and not herpes- did not think that things can be so serious. I wanted so much for our marriage to heal.He keeps praying but we drift further apart-he said he's struggling to love me. that's very sad to hear. He only does not want the divorce because GOD does not allow and he'd sin against his wife and he does not wish to get out of the house.
I often asked him more and he said I shouldn't have asked but since he's Christian he decides to tell the truth slowly one by one as I may not be able to take it.
Initially he said that after the maid left she called him at his mobile but he informed the Pastor and he asked him to stop all contact. he said that was the last time.apparently it was a lie.
Throughout our quarrel,he said he was down and e-mailed to her several times, and spent almost $1000 on phone bills to talk to her. he was desperate and missed her very much.
He said he had been wiring her money several times to the maid and after I was baptized even flew to Jakarta to meet her and pass her $ 1000 and gave her a hug- that's somewhere after November 20th.
He said he felt very guilty towards the maid-God knows for what- when she slept with so many men and passed him STDs which he passed to me. I often read that some wives get STD from their husband-but never expect I would be one. He said he needed to send her allthose money because She Really Needed it- it's a way of helping others.yeah, right.Even though she confessed to sleeping with many other men. He just feel that giving her money eases his guilt towards her.perhaps it's guilt for not being able to be with her.
first it was the father lost his job,her mother gave birth, the catering business needed money- and he financed it- even though he was flat broke-
he prioritized her need over his own family..
Each time I asked him why he did that, he said it's the past and no more. sin no more.but when I asked him whether he would give her money again, he said it depends; he would inform pastor;if the pastor asked him,only then he would inform me.
After the maid left we had no maid-initially it was bearable- subsequenty it took a toll-I was so stressed at work and thinking about the affair- that I decided to quit esp because I had not been meeting my target ever since the incident-I was on MCs for 2 weeks and when I came back I had no mood to work.the next quarter the market was so bad and I was not meeting either. I performed very well before the incident- I had a nice boss, earned handsome commission, working for a great company- but my reputation was tarnished.
I begged him to hire another maid so I can go back to work- the house work with 2 hyperactive children(Felice is also hyperactive but does very well in primary school) has been too much for me. I am not used to doing housework- I feel so unproductive and unappreciated-and no income. He also refused to employ part time maid.
Suddenly I feel so poor, my money is stucked in shares which has dived almost half- I was too greedy. My husband refuses to give me pocket money-he asked me to buy everything by my credit card and he would review which one he needs to pay. only last week I managed to convince him to add my name into his salary paying account- but he warned me not to withdraw any money. he would settle his loan to me slowly. he said I don't need to spend any money-just stay at home, do housework and take care of the children.
Throughout my marriage I never felt so poor and desperate before. I feel imprisoned in my own house with no income. even groceries he asked me to pay using my credit card and money is tight.
However I always like to desperately believe that he would change;he had changed; until he told me about him flying to Jakarta;I asked him whether he would ever send her money again. he said he doesn't know, don't ask him abt the future;just trust God. the money is God's Resources and He would use it for his family and to do God's work- help others in need. Well, he never imagine that the one who will be needing it is his own family.
I am so dependent on him as he drives us to work and office and he can handle Jonathan. He's pretty patient with the kids- sometimes he needs to cane the kids-it's teaching from the church to discipline kids. I can't imagine life without him- I'm so used to having him around.I am so fearful of having to be responsible for two kids for the rest of my life-what if I fall sick? what if I die? how am I going to work with two kids given the nature of my job? the kids will be without father;My son adores the father so time everywhere I go I have to be responsible for my two kids till the day they go to work.
Given that Jonathan had difficulty reading and writing despite many classes, he may have to go to Pathlight School for autism and ADHD- which has a very high school fee and special care.At least with him around I have help and the kids won't be neglected while I do other things. Especially the father adores the kids very much- they are his diamond, according to him this morning.
Guess his love did not stop him from betraying his family again and again.
Recently my husband has been put out of church for two mths as I reported that he went against the assembly's instruction not to keep in touch with the maid in whatever.

Since then I have filed for a divorce and a personal protection order for the kids and myself.
I don't know what to trust anymore. He has begged me not to file the divorce for the sake of the children. He kept on calling the kids at school and tried to brainwash the kids into believing that he did a minor mistake and mommy is not forgiving daddy. Now the kids are beginning to dislike me coz they think I am the bad guy. How can I explain what had happened to my 4 and 6 six year olds?